Teach me how to breath again
by PazOrtiz
Summary: "She finally made her choice, I never though she would choose me but seeing her with my brother hurt like hell. How many times can a heart be broken before it can't be fixed? Is it so difficult to love me?" Damon is broken and alone, he won't let anyone in and he may do something stupid before Elena could fix him. D&E Post 3x22 AU Rated M mainly because of language
1. I lost myself

**Hello! So, here is my first FF in english, so PLEASE dont be rude D: I speak spanish, but think i tried... **

**My name is Paz :3 and i will be writing a new story about my OTP :D Damon&Elena... ha! **

**well, the main idea is that Damon is lost. and elena need to find him. and well... the rest you will find out when the FF moves on...**

**PLEASE leave FEEDBACK. I would REALLY LOVE to hear what you guys think. specially since this is my first FF in english.. :)**

**So without more talk, here it goes the first "Chapter" it will be the shorter one anyways...**

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Elena had been a vampire for three weeks now. And you know what? Her life was fucking perfect. She did not have thirst issues. She was finally living her epic teenage love, and it would be forever now. And there was no love triangle anymore.

I had given up. I actually had become a creepy stalker who knows everything because I fucking spy her. And yes, the worst part of all is that the only thing I'd promise myself I would never do, I did.

I had given up on her.

I had loose myself and I don't know if I would ever find me again. I really wanted to kill myself. I wanted to break so bad, to switch it off. But I would not cry and most definitely won't switch it. Because it's so hard to find the switch and I'm so tired of looking or waiting for something, and hell, I am Damon fucking Salvatore and I won't break. Not now, not ever.

I try to stay strong. Shit, now I am with the Demi Lovato bullshit. But it's true I really am trying. Because if I see her I don't know if I would be able to control myself, to stop me of not breaking right there.

And if you are thinking that I am acting like a fucking lady I don't give a flying fuck, it's not my problem, because it hurts like hell.

I had been drowning my sorrows in bourbon the last weeks. And when the bourbon went out I started with vodka, and then with something stronger. I don't remember. But the thing is that I haven't been sober in days, hell, maybe weeks.

Not a single minute without alcohol, and it works. I am a vampire, but I could swear that I had suffer from black outs during the last days.

I think the last time I saw her she was with Stefan holding hands like the normal couple they pretend to be in the boarding house all sentimental with each other, talking about they fucking lives and problems.

I just left.

I was silent and fast. No one noticed me. Except from Stefan who was aware of our little and annoying deal.

I wonder if she is happier than in the summer when we were looking for Stefan. I secretly hope that she is not, but I know that it would not be true if believe it, and hope can be a bitch. I wonder I she miss me. I wonder if she would care enough about me to stop me from driving a stake through my heart.

Because after all always is going to be Stefan.

I also wonder if she only felt lust towards me. I guess I will never know.

A question, which has been bothering me the last hours, comes rushing to my head.

Is it so difficult to someone to love me?

The answer to that is a big fucking yes. No one has ever loved me and no one ever will. The closest thing to being loved by someone died when I was 8. And I don't remember how it felt.

I have never felt as alone as I feel now, not even when I was looking for Katherine.

Because the night Elena died also died Ric, my only friend-drinking buddy and I lost everything.

I lost my house; I can't go there if the lovebirds are snuggling in my fucking armchair.

I lost the only fucking friend I have had in over a century.

I lost the only person who used to see the good in me.

And I lost myself, just as I said before.

Just as I lost everything, I lost the will to be alive. But I can't kill myself. Not until I see her a last time. I need to caress her cheek one more time and see her perfect face so I can leave this world with her body pictured in my head.

I need to touch her and know she is going to be okay and happy.

And because I'm a masochist, I will go to the boarding house, wait for Stefan to leave her alone a few minutes, and say goodbye.

Forever.

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**_I'D LOVE SOME REVIEWS :D _**

**_If you like it and review i promise i will update tomorrow :D and if you know spanish you can check out my other FF "La oscuridad que hay en mi"_**

**_Thnx you SO MUCH FOR READING :D xx_**


	2. Cigarettes and bourbon

**SO hey! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PEOPLE :D really, i love how you love my story :D ha, im so happy you liked it, i have never writed FF in english so, IM HAPPY, thank you so much for every alert, review or fav, i love you all.**

**Well, Chapter 2! in MY FF vampires can change their appearances if they suffer a lot... so thats all you need to know C:**

**I PROMISE i will try to make elena not OC, and i hope thing get better to damon... it is a short chapter again, i have no time to write ):**

**BUT IT IS HERE! **

**so, please dont be too harsh on me becaus eof GRAMMAR, everything else is my faoult, BUT MY ENGLISH IS NOT PERFECT. SORRY.**

**well,**

** i love you xx**

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I didn't use to smoke.

I had never been a fan of nicotine, but in the last weeks I didn't only drowned myself in alcohol but smoke a whole bunch of cigarettes.

I got up and started searching for my shirt. When I left I apparently did not thought about bringing more clothes, so I have been wearing the same fucking shirt for three weeks now.

I'm not sure if vampires can get addicted to cigarettes, but I was so fucking anxious and I needed to smoke.

I mean I was fucking trembling. I don't now what's wrong with me.

Don't fuck with me Salvatore. Of course you know what is wrong with you. Elena is living her happily ever after and it's not with you. So you didn't find a way to live without her and now you are about to commit suicide.

I just need to say goodbye first. I couldn't bear not to say goodbye.

I need to see her face one more time and then kill my_fucking_self.

I picked up the shirt from the floor and put it on while I was looking at myself at the mirror. I looked terrible. Seriously, I thought vampires did not change. I was looking at my reflection in the mirror and I looked different.

But it didn't matter anymore. I would be dead in a few more hours.

I was about to say the most difficult speech I have ever said. I will need some bourbon and a pack of cigarettes, my new friends.

Stefan was lying at my side breathing slowly. I couldn't sleep.

* * *

I miss him. A lot.

You know, I always thought that he would never leave me. But he did, just as everyone else do. The difference is that he didn't die. He just left. He didn't even bother to say goodbye. I found out because he wasn't at the house anymore. But his clothes were on his closet so I told myself "Don't worry. He is just out" but he never came back.

Stefan and I never talk about him. The first and only time I asked him he answered that he didn't know.

I decided to transition. And control it was not that easy, but it wasn't impossible.

Now I was a vampire. And I had remembered every single thing Damon made me forget. Thought I'm not mad at him, I needed those memories. Everything would have been so different. But I don't like to think about that.

Now I have this mood swings all the time and I am angry almost all the time.

Especially because I know Stefan knows where is Damon and he does not want to share that information. It is like every time I stare at him I feel that he feels bad for me. And I don't like that.

Suddenly everything was so uncomfortable.

I wanted to get out, to laugh, to yell, I wanted to run…

So I got up and started walking towards the door, and in a second I was outside.

I miss him so much. I wonder if where is he. I wonder if he has switch off…

And all of sudden I am sobbing. My eyes are wet and tears are rolling down my cheeks. I try to stay still but I end in the ground.

My heart has a big hole. I don't think it will ever be repair.

And then, I feel another presence.

I can smell his sweet scent. I could recognize it anywhere.

"Damon" my voice is barely a whisper.

But when I turn to see him I start to sob louder.

He is like 50 meters away with a cigarette in his hand and a bottle of bourbon in the other one.

He looks… dead.

Somehow his muscles have disappeared and he looks too much thinner than he use to.

He is far, but I can see that his eyes have lost all the light, he is wearing dirty clothes and he has a shade of a bear on his face.

He is more handsome than I remember but that doesn't change the fact that he looks too tired, so sad, he looks too human and vulnerable.

Suddenly I am scared that he might break, because he looks too fragile to be Damon.

Wait a minute. Damon is not fragile and vampires can't change… can they?

So everything makes sense. This is a dream. It has to be.

I start laughing. It is the only thing I can do. Because if I don't laugh I'm pretty sure I will break down.

Because deep down I know this is not a dream.

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**HERE IT IS, SECOND CHAPTER :D, please REVIEW, it makes my day :D**


	3. Goodbye

**So FINALLY, here it is, CHAPTER 3 C: im so GRATEFUL about the response to my story :D I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH...**

**well, this is a veeeery sad part of the story :C so please, leave a REVIEW and let me know what you thought... WAS MY ENGLISH TO DAMN BAD? D:**

**Thnx people :D i love you xx**

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We were so close now. It was like a dream. Everything around Damon was like a dream now, because I had barely seen him my first days as a vampire and after that, he just left. So everyday it looked more close to a dream every memory I had with him. _It was like he never existed._

He turned off his cigarette after taking a long drag from it.

"I did not know you smoked." I said with a shaky voice and a sad smile on my face.

He looked so perfect under the moonlight. His skin was much more pale than the last time I saw him.

He was staring at the woods. He was avoiding my gaze and that hurt me. A lot. His eyes were so gloomy and full of pain that ripped my heart out.

I just wanted to cry until there were no more tears.

"I didn't use to smoke." He answered. His voice was blank and hoarse. "I think alcohol was not enough" he joked without sense of humor.

I wanted to tell him how much I had missed him, how much I cared for him and how much I hated to see him like this. But I also wanted to know why he had come back now.

And my stupid vampire impulses won. So before I could shut up like I should, my voice came out, harsh and low, just as I didn't intend it to be.

"What are you doing here?"

And I regret every word because he was seriously trembling. He was the stronger person I have ever met and still, he was about to break in front of me. Now.

He was looking at my feet and his eyes showed such a pain I couldn't describe.

And it was fucking painful. Because when you love someone as I love him, seeing him like this just broke me. I thought I would snap. I could not bear to see him like this.

Damon was stronger than me. What had happened in the last weeks?

Or most important, how did I let _this_ happen to him?

"I…" he was having trouble talking, his voice was tremulous and he was still avoiding my gaze.

I cupped his face with my hands and started caressing his cheek. Just as I used to do every time when things got dark.

With that he seemed to calm down a little bit.

"I came… I…" And suddenly he pulled away and started to shudder hard.

_He was so lost._

"Damon!" I practically yelled. I won't let him shut me down.

And then I hugged him and tried to make him feel how much I needed him.

He broke the hug and then finally dared to see me in the eyes.

"I came to say goodbye."

* * *

This was so _fucking_ difficult.

And when I told her that I was here to say goodbye I felt how something inside me broke. It was like my fucking heart just yielded and cracked.

And it was so _fucking_ painful.

I looked away and she let her arms fall at her sides.

It was now or never, because if I didn't speak now then I wouldn't find the voice to let the words out.

"I'm so sorry." _Please don't let your fucking tears fall, hold the shit together Damon._ "I know I promised I would never leave you again…"

And all of sudden she started to yell at me.

"Why now Damon? Why not three weeks ago when you left just because I didn't fucking choose you?" and she has never hurt me like this before.

Finally, the tears that I have been holding came rushing to my cheeks and I was angry. I was angry with Stefan for our fucking deal. I was angry with her because she wanted more that I could give her. And I was angry with myself because I was such a masochist.

"You think it's easy for me to see you with Stefan as the happy couple that you are? I needed time to think and figure things out." I was screaming at her.

I fucking needed a cigarette or some bourbon.

I was fucking dying inside.

"You needed time think, huh?" she continued to yell at my face. "You run away like a fucking coward." I tried to switch it off so hard but I couldn't, her words were like stakes.

I turned on a cigarette that I found on the pocket of my jacket. I enjoyed every inch of smoke that entered my lungs.

"Quit that Damon! Please…" she screamed. Begging at the same time.

I didn't obeyed her, so she took the cigar from my hands and throw it away with a desperate grin on her beautiful face.

"What the hell Elena? Wait, You know what? Don't worry. You won't have to concern about my actions anymore, because you will never see me again."

This was completely serious.

"What the hell are you talking about, Damon?"

I understood her. She was impulsive because she was a newborn vampire. I knew her way to well to know she would never say things like that. Or would she?

But I was pissed of and for God sake I was equally impulsive.

"Because Elena, you will never have to worry about me anymore because I will fucking kill myself."

And then she got it. I wasn't joking. And she started crying.

"Wha… What?" now her voice was shaky and low.

"Its true." I whispered and I hugged her. "I came here to say goodbye, but you weren't suppose to know that."

Her breathing was ragged and loud sob exploded from her throat.

"No… no, no, no…" at that point I was crying too.

"Shhhh, everything will be fine." I gasped. "This is the better way. Now you will live your 'happily ever after' forever." My tone was bitter, I just couldn't stand to imagine her with my brother.

Between sobs she let out a hoarse chuckle.

"You have lost so much weight. I didn't know vampires could change." Her voice was barely a whisper and was filled with a nostalgic tone, I don't know why.

"Neither did I."

I started to pull away, and it was the most difficult thing I had ever made.

She just got closer.

"It's time for me to leave." I said.

"No!" she screamed. Then, that scream turned into a loud sob. "You can't leave me alone."

I wouldn't leave her alone. She had the entire gang.

She also had her boyfriend.

Everyone loved her, and she loved everyone_, Except me._

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**_Hope you liked it :D please leave a REVIEW and i will upload sooner :D_**


	4. Let it be

**Well, HEY YOU! I'm so proud to present you the FOURTH CHAPTER OF MY STORY. OMG I'm so happy! Thank you so much to all of you! I'm so glad you liked the history. A special thank you to AlexisPetrova who offered herself to beta the chapters which I'm not that confident with :3 and another BIG SPECIAL THANK YOU to my new friend lovethatconsumesyou (Georgie C:) you should check out her story, IT'S AMAZING. It's called "Yesterdays Memories" it's a FF where Damon looses all of his memory O:. Just simply thank you to all of my anonymous (or not signed in) reviewers :D and of course to everyone who has showed interest or add this to your favorites or just simply followed the YOU ALL... -. Paz xx**

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We stood there more than enough time. I knew when I came here that I wouldn't control myself. Not with her around. I didn't want to leave. But I didn't want to stay either. Because every time I found the strength for pulling away she just got closer.  
"Elena I need to…" I couldn't pronounce the words.  
"No." she said, suddenly with a confident tone. "I won't let you do that"  
If I continued this close to her I knew that I would never be able to leave. So I kissed her forehead and she looked at me with confused eyes.  
"I only ask for a last kiss." I told her. But I couldn't look her in the eyes.  
"No." she answered immediately. And it broke my heart one last time. That made me finally back away from her, almost straightaway.  
I knew she could se the pain in my eyes because I felt it.  
"No, I won't let you kiss me if you think is going to be the last one." She gasped. "I won't let you kiss me if you're planning on leaving me alone."  
I just don't believe that if I don't kill myself she would actually kiss me. Because I know she loves Stefan.  
"Well, I guess I won't have a goodbye kiss, so I am just going to leave." So I did.  
I sped back down the forest through the streets of Mystic Falls until I got to Alaric's flat.  
I took the best bottle that was left in there and I went back to the place that I got shot when I was human. Because I'm a badass motherfucker who misses the way it was without knowing Elena.  
I will try to get drunk and enjoy my last moments.  
I think it is always like this. That it's always painful.  
I took off my sunlight ring and left it on the ground near a tree. I really am praying that Elena doesn't get to do anything stupid.  
I don't want to be saved. Or at least that is the bullshit that I continue repeating myself like a fucking mantra. When Elena chose Stefan I forgot how to live. I forgot everything about myself. I fucking forgot who I was. And I had tried so bad to remember, but I can't.

* * *

I stood there until I understood what really happened. Damon has left. And I would never see him again if I don't stop him from killing himself.  
When I saw the pain in his eyes before he left my heart broke and I thought I wouldn't keep going with this lie that everyday seems bigger.  
I need to tell him the truth.  
But he wasn't here anymore.  
One of the small amounts of things that Stefan had taught me since I'm a vampire is how to track a vampire scent. The only thing you needed was to be familiar with the vampire smell.  
One good thing was that I could recognize Damon scent everywhere, just as I said before.  
So I followed it and I get to Alaric's flat. I couldn't believe that he could be here all the time he wasn't at the boarding house. Bottles of bourbon were everywhere and everything was a simple mess.  
But he wasn't here. So I started walking trough the woods.  
I was so desperate. I was crying. The pain of loss and sadness overwhelmed me. I needed to find him soon. There were only a few minutes left before the dawn. And if I didn't find him…  
I could not even think about it. It hurt too much. He and I, we shared a connection. He would always know what I'm thinking with just looking at me, with Stefan it never was that way. We were always ourselves with each other, because we were the same. We were both so stubborn, alone, passionate... I couldn't bear to loose him.  
And then, I heard him, just a little movement that could have been a simple squirrel. But I had faith that it was he.  
So I run as fast as I could and I finally found him lying on the ground near a big tree.  
I was so happy to see him. I'm lying. I was euphoric.  
"Damon!" I yelled of joy. I was in time. I couldn't believe it.  
He turned his head to see me and there was only pain.  
"What the hell are you doing here?" he was mad, but I didn't care, I had found him and he was safe.  
I took his ring, which was near a tree, and I sped up to him and hugged him one more time tonight.  
"Please Damon…" I started to cry. "I can't bear to loose you…"  
"I don't care, it's already late..." he said avoiding my gaze.  
"Please Damon… You know I need you."

* * *

She was here.  
She was fucking here and she was telling me she needed me.  
I was probably hallucinating for the lack of blood. But as I said before, I was so fucking tired of fighting. So I let it be and I let her carry me. I don't know where, but somewhere.  
She was still crying with desperate sobs. And I wasn't far from it to.  
I just let it be.  
She left me on a bed. I did recognize it but I didn't remember where. I was sure it has been a long time since I had been here.  
She lay down besides me snuggling against my body. I couldn't help but think about how good she smelled. Like vanilla and honey with a trace of lilacs. She has always smelled the same, even when she was human. I had forgot how it felt her skin against mine.  
To be honest I would rather be here than burning in the sun, but I knew, like always, that I will wake up and then, everything will be worst than before.  
Because she is here with me, but then she will be in another place, with him.

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**Please leave feedback with your opinions and with what would you like to see ;) I LOVE YOU :)**


	5. Parallel universe

**Well, hello... I know it has been a time since i last post a chapter... but today NEW CHAPTER! :D please review... im having a little trouble lately on writing so that would help me. a lot.**

**so, here it is... I know damon is looking fragile and all but next chapter *SPOILER* he will be fighting everyone because they want o help him D: !**

**here it is, and again A BIG HUG TO lovethatconsumesyou for being so kind :D and of course,... THE BIGGEST OF THE HUGS FOR ALL OF YOU, FOR BEING THERE! **

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He was lying at my side. He was curled up holding me tightly to his body. It felt good. No, it felt amazing. He wasn't even trying but the butterflies and the desire to hug him tighter were there. I needed to feel that he was all right. His breathing was slower than before and he was smiling lightly. I don't know since when I didn't see him smile. It was beautiful. Even in his state he managed himself to look stunning. I wish we could stay this way forever. I wish he wasn't in a suicide mood. I wish it could be possible to stop feeling how I feel towards him. But it was so difficult to stop my hand from caressing his forehead and play softly with his dark locks of soft hair. But I wasn't trying to stop myself. I didn't want to.

We were lying on my bed. My teddy bear was next to him. It made me giggle mildly. I remembered when he used to lay on my bed with that bear in his stomach playing while I was talking about something important to him. But now everything we had together were just a whole bunch of memories. In this exact moment he wasn't the snarky, arrogant and flirty man he used to be. He was just a man too important to me and too vulnerable to stop himself from breaking.

I wanted to fix him. I _needed_ to fix him.

It had been at least six hours since we got here. He was starting to wake up. I was so happy. I wanted to talk to him, to laugh with him, to tell him everything and hang out for the rest of the eternity.

"Hey" I whispered.

He opened his eyes with alarm when he heard my voice. I could swear I saw a trace of happiness when he looked at me. But in a second it was gone.

He wanted to stand up. But I didn't want him to leave this soon.

"What are you doing?" I asked sounding more hurt that I wanted to.

He looked at me with a pleading look on his face.

"Getting up" his voice was blank.

"Don't… please, stay with me a little longer…"

He turned his back to me. He wasn't in the mood to speak apparently. But I needed to talk to him. I needed to hear his voice.

"I had miss you too much already, let me be with you here a little longer… Damon! I miss everything. I miss the way it used to be. I miss how close we were… Damon please…" my eyes started to tear up. I slid an arm above his waist and brought him closer. "Please, why we can't stay this way a few more minutes, maybe hours, and talk?"

He sighted.

"Because when you go back to the boarding house you will still be my brother's girlfriend, and I will just be the bad brother." He gasped and tried to calm himself before continue speaking "Because it hurts too much more than I can bear. Because you don't even love me." It was bitter. Everything seemed to be bitter.

"Damon…"

"You see? It is just the truth." He didn't want to face me, but I needed to see his face.

"Damon look at me" I told him. But he was stubborn, just as me. "Damon, I need you to look at me."

He finally turned around with wet eyes. I was breaking slowly inside. The only fact of thinking that I made this beautiful man go through this, through this pain, it was destroying me.

I gasped trying to found the voice for my next words.

"I love you."

* * *

I couldn't trust what my ears where hearing. Or maybe I could but I knew Elena was just saying it to make me feel better. Because that is what she does, she tries to make everyone happy.

"No… no, no, no… Don't say those words just to make me feel all right. They are too big, to important for that…" I begged.

She was almost crying.

"But they are true Damon!" she yelled. "I love you!"

"No! Do not lie Elena!" I screamed. I started to stand up. And then I heard three pair of footsteps running up stairs.

_Shit. Please, don't…_

This, everything, was too _fucking_ much.

Then the door was open and appeared a very angry Stefan with a certain barbie with big and amazed eyes and Jeremy, who was moving his arms in every direction possible.

Elena was crying and I was near to. I didn't want to look fragile. I couldn't look fragile in front of them. So I just tried to put on my cold façade.

"Oh my god, Damon…" Caroline almost cried in exasperation. That surprised me. A lot.

She ran to help me stand. I was so hungry. I haven't had any blood in five days.

She was actually concerned about me, was this some kind of parallel universe?

Jeremy was as concerned as Caroline but Stefan was angry.

"What are you doing here?" he asked me.

"Nothing of your business." I didn't want him to know about my recent actions.

So in a second I was being thrown to the wall.

"Answer me!" he yelled.

"Go. To. Hell" was the only thing I managed to say.

And the other thing I saw shocked me in someway.

"Stefan. Leave him alone!" Caroline screamed.

And Elena sent him flying to the opposite wall.

"Get the fuck out of here Stefan!" she screamed and I could swear I heard a growl from her throat.

My gums ached with the familiar pain of my fangs. I needed to control myself. But Jeremy was too close.

Caroline noticed thanks god.

"Jeremy, I think you should get out of here." She said and he just nodded in agreement.

I was acting like a weak person. I needed to stop that. But I couldn't help but surprise myself with the interest of the others in my health. Why did they care about me? I was only a pain on the ass for Jeremy and Caroline.

But there were, and the sweetest woman on earth was rubbing my back. And maybe she wasn't lying at all. Maybe Elena really _loved_ me.

But I wouldn't let myself have hope.

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**jdblkwn please review, it really help :3**


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